Sunday, December 11, 2011

The Biggest Loser

I'm way behind....I realize this now.

Season 12 is the first season for me to watch The Biggest Loser.

I've been so impressed with the show that in the meantime I've been going back and watching all of Season 11 as well. I'm sure I'll work my way back and watch more seasons.

But there has been a switch to take place in my mind after watching this show.

I've never been happy with my weight. As far back as I can remember. Maybe even back to 7th or 8th grade. I don't think I've ever looked in a mirror and just been thrilled with what I've seen (except for maybe after my 3 week fast...and that's just not right.)

What I see in the mirror is SO different than what is actually truth.

In 2006 I became serious about working out. In college I worked out maybe 1 or 2 times a week- but nothing serious. In 2006 I became a gym rat. Every the evening....ALL THE TIME. 6 days a week.

Yet I never got to a place where I felt I looked good.

Both of my sisters are skinnier than me- and truth be told- they are the 2 measuring models I hold myself too. So that instantly creates a bit of drama every time I'm around my family and sisters. Because while I might not just outright tell them, there has always been an underlying tension when I'm around my sisters...whom I love DEARLY and would do anything for them.

But when I see my sisters- I see the measuring stick. And I never measure up.

When a sister calls and says "I've lost 15 lbs!!" or any type of thing- I instantly think "WHAT?!?!?!  HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE?!!?!? I do everything I can and that is NEVER a phone call I've been able to make. And then the 'measuring stick' gets more and more hard to measure up to.

I started watching the Biggest Loser Season 12 from episode 1 when girls were weighing in at 250, 270, 300, 315 pounds.

And to be very honest with you- looking at them on the scale....THAT is how I view myself when I look in the mirror. I see myself as a 250, 270, 300, 315 pound person. Now. I KNOW that's not truth- but that's what I see when I look in the mirror. It's not even CLOSE to the truth.

So to go through the progression of watching this season- I keep thinking to myself "DANG!!!! These girls look SO good!" as they are shedding pounds. And then I would think "wait. I weigh less than them. So if they look good at ____ weight....Why don't I think I look good at ____ weight which is still less than them?"

Yeah. It's messed up.

I go to the gym still. I run. I am in the gym 4 times a week- sometimes more. Sometimes less. I eat healthy. I have a juicer. I drink water. I make good food decisions.

I feel like after having watched Biggest Loser 11 and 12 some scales are being removed from my vision. When I look in the mirror- I'm starting to see myself for the size I really am. My mirrors in my apartment are NOT the crazy house mirrors. They are not adding 150 lbs, which I like to think they do.

I don't think I'm at a place where everything is all better, my self esteem is at an all time high- or I am completely at peace with my self and my body, but. I have to say. My vision is shifting.

Thank you, Biggest Loser.

1 comment:

  1. I love you. I love this post. I love your honesty. And I love that show.


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