The One Where I Cry Uncle

*Editor's note....(yes.that would be me, Minda. Seriously? Who else writes on this blog?)  

Anyways. I wrote this post three weeks ago. It was too fresh to post after writing. And too vulnerable. And honestly, I didn't want anyone to call me after reading and utter these three words: "How are you doing?" Because if someone asked that question- I would either have to lie to them and say "I'm good" or I would probably have broken down and fallen apart. And no one wants to fall apart on a phone call. Falling apart should only happen when you're sitting on the couch with a good friend, or sitting at your dining room table with a large bowl of pasta in front of you. Falling apart should only happen when your dear friend can reach out and put an arm around you. 

So. When you read this post, know it was three weeks ago, and if you ask me today "How are you?" I can respond truthfully with this:

I'm better. I'm not ok, but I'm better. And that, in and of itself, is ok.

Written August 15

Three weeks ago, I was on my way to work when I got a phone call. A phone call with news about a tragic car accident. A phone call that stunned me.

Last night was the first night since then that I have slept through the night.

It's been a very weird three weeks. The surge of emotions that come with losing someone so young, so dear. It's just weird.

I have felt understandably sad. 

I have felt uncharacteristically lonely. 

I have felt oddly comforted.

And I have felt completely overwhelmed.

I don't think it's just the death of Matthew and Hailey that has contributed to the feelings of being overwhelmed.

October 2011, I started a new season of life, with a lot of 'new.' Since then, I'd say there have been quite a lot of 'stressors' along the way. 

• Moved away from Texas for the first time. 
• Started a new job. 
• New career field altogether.
• Stress of moving as my belongings didn't show up for a month.
• Finding a new church.
• New friends.
• Learning a new city.
• Kidney stones. 
• Apartment fire. 
• Let me say that one again. FIRE. 
• Moved AGAIN to another new city.
• Again, new church.
• New surroundings. 
• Temporary office space.
• New relationships.
• And let's be honest....a LACK of relationships.

And then.

• Death of a close friend. 

Let me also say. I know 100% without a shadow of a doubt that moving to Tallahassee was THE best decision. It was right. It was good. 

But that doesn't mean it wasn't hard. 

And I survived. I not only survived...but I thrived there. (I realize that sounds SO cheezy.)  But I did. 

But it was a LOT of change. 

And then the fire happened. And I held it together. And then I moved to a new city. And I held it together. And then I had to repurchase everything for my home. And I held it together. And then I started looking for a new church. And i held it together. You get the point? I've been holding things together. And with each new thing- more weight was added, but I held it together. Not on my own strength, by any means. There has been grace covering EVERY situation to take place. And my relationship with Jesus has been THE reason I've been able to keep it together. 

But when Hailey died three weeks ago, I have found myself crying 'uncle!' (In other random news, I have NO idea why that phrase exists, but whatever.) But yes. I cried uncle. It was as though her death was the Jenga piece that made everything else topple.  

I've had major 'life stressors' over the last 22 months. And over the last 22 months, I have changed. A lot. The Minda that left Dallas is a VERY different Minda that lives in DC. Not worse, not better. Just VERY different. So on top of all the change, I'm learning who I am. 

Some would say I've been brave, strong, courageous, resilient. 

Part of me worries that my coworkers see me as needy and emotionally unstable. No one would have ever described the Texas Minda as needy or unstable. But my coworkers have seen the last 22 months in which I've been dealing with major stressors. So they have gotten to see a different side of Minda. A side that is even new to me. I haven't even come to grips yet with the woman I am currently. And that involves a LOT of tears these days. Tears over really silly things. Tears over big things. Tears over my belongings that didn't make it through the fire. (After the fire, I didn't cry much. Evidently I was saving them up for now.) Tears for my friend Hailey. Just lots of tears. 

And I'm exhausted. Really. 

Am I happy? Yes. I love my job. I love my coworkers. I love my new city. I love the future I'm facing. I love that my Jesus has been dependable and not for ONE second has he forgotten me or left me to fend for myself. 

But lest you think my life is all glitter/glam/excitement, let me assure you. You see the highlights reel. 

I'm crying uncle. I need some good news to head my way.